Over the weekend, we recorded our ninth episode with a good friend of mine to talk about what it’s like to be single and non-monogamous. It was a great episode. I suggest that you listen to it when you have a chance. Matt is an amazing storyteller and is just a great guy all around.
At the 1:27:45 mark, I asked Matt to tell the story behind the closing he uses in his podcast of “Eat The Fucking Cake”. He tells the story of his friend, Bill, a fellow comedic performer who had a skit about winning a cake at his school’s cakewalk and regretted not eating it instead of bringing it home in tact to which his family divided amongst themselves. Bill would say that if time travel existed, he’d travel back to his younger self and tell him to eat the cake instead of taking it home.
As Matt explained, that closing phrase has become a form of “carpe diem” to remind each other how delicate life is and how important it is to be happy in your life. His story has stuck with me ever since he told it for the benefit of our listeners. So I’ve been asking myself the question of whether or not a concept like “Carpe Diem” can work within the context of polamory?
I’d say to some degree, yes, but I’d admonish that we are still bound by our core tenants of ethics within non-monogamy. Making your own happiness a priority does not imply that it should be at the expense of the happiness of others in your life. How I choose to view it is that if given the choice, we should embrace the chance to form connections and have experiences that can potentially enrich their lives.
My partner, “Frank”, does not identify as polyamorous. This is something that has been remarked about by a couple of people in my poly community. Not in the sense that there is something wrong with it, of course, it’s just…..not poly. To be honest, I marinated in that question myself when I realized that I had started to develop feelings for him. Would being a polyamorous woman falling in love with a man who is “open” lead me to a circumstance to where my heart would be broken? Will there be a gap that can never be completely filled because of the sides of the proverbial tracks that we choose to stand on? Should that even matter?
I chose to follow my instincts and invest into the relationship anyway. Frank is an amazing man that makes me very happy. He meets the needs I have of this relationship and I do the same for him. If you didn’t know the details of our labels, you’d see a couple in NRE. You would see two people who will smile at each other in a goofy way, or have the loudest laugh of the group if one of them told a joke. You’d see two people that care deeply for each other. You would see happiness.
Labels and identities only matter if you allow them to. They only retain the power that they are given. As long as everything is ethical, honest, and respectful to all parties involved, we have the right (or dare I say obligation) to ourselves to pursue a chance of our own happiness. There is always a chance that things may not work out in the way that you have hoped, but I would wonder what would be worse: taking the chance to eat the fucking cake, or regretting that you didn’t?
What do you think?