It’s not about you. When we pushed through our mother’s birth canal and cried, choked and coughed our way into existence – nothing else happened. We were born and became alive. Our mother and father or father & father or mother and mother or grandparent or legal guardian or adoptive parent cared for us, or not, and we are here reading this message. We’re not Buddha, Jesus or Mohammed. Angels did not herald our birth and they will not proclaim our death or our message. (If they do then that is definitely another post!)
It’s about the relationship(s) . The relationship is the point. Sometimes we do or say things because we care for and love your partners and others in your life. Not for our little id with the big bag of needs to met, stroked, stoked or flagellated.
What is the name for this concept? Surrender. Surrender or submission, used in a non BDSM specific sense, is about living with and for others as much or more than ourself. Surrender is the act of doing for our significant other out of love and deference for what they mean to us.
Where does the freedom piece come in? If we are not worried about us then we count costs less and stop keeping score. We turn off the bookkeeping ledger in the back of our mind that tracks every opportunity cost of every little thing we do for someone else. We love clearly, seeing the other and ourselves truly without blinders on. We give anyway. We can give in ways that build the other up.
Giving to your partners may hurt a bit and the o so fragile self-esteem may be a bit bruised. Boundaries may be overstepped that we didn’t know we had. That’s ok. We learn where our boundaries are. Stretch them. Pull back a bit. Then test them again. As polys we can and will do this with different partners at different and even the same time. All part of being in relationship. As we surrender to others in love, we ourselves may grow. Hopefully, we won’t see it. If we do, then it might go to our heads.
I’m sure folks are saying, “So what. This could apply to any relationship. What does this have to with being poly?” You’re right. We aren’t unique. This applies to all relationships. We will just have to do it more often and with greater frequency since we have more partners.
When you have a major discussion about something significant, consider coming with a position that is your absolute rock bottom deal instead of negotiating down to it. Think about your partner’s interest and go as far toward it as possible, knowing you will experience some emotional pain but have given your conscious best.
Remember, it’s not about you. Relationships will grow and change. You will love, learn, surrender, and pass on that surrendering and giving love to others.
PITCCraig1 from Android