In our last recording, I ended my portion of the episode by stating that I was more confused about the idea of love within a polyamorous relationship than when we began the discussion. I thought I would take a few moments to process my thoughts here.
Let me be clear: I’m not confused on the topic. I am very comfortable within my own emotional skin and am perfectly alright with sharing a romantic love with more than one person. My struggle is in the balance of sharing those emotions within the landscape of the non-monogamy world, and more importantly, against the comfort of the person on the receiving end of who I am feeling them for.
Why is the word “love” so scary? Why is that one syllable so powerful that it can deflate or escalate an interpersonal connection? Why do people shut down at the mere mention? The only thing that makes sense to me is that when we are in those moments in which we feel what can be described as romantic love, we…are…vulnerable. We expose our underbelly to another and run the risk of injury (either tangible or intangible).
It makes sense when I consider that notion against the confusion that I’ve been experiencing. Our vulnerability speaks to a deeper fear of worthiness and connection. Actually, this might do a better job explaining it than I ever could:
Pretty powerful stuff, right? This video flipped the switch for me to help me realize that what I was feeling was NOT wrong. It’s not poorly timed (like my husband — the feeler — has tried to convince me), and the only tragedy is to deny my own authenticity.
Most importantly, I have made peace with the topic. I can only let go and let it be. If saying the words “I’m falling in love with you” proves to be a bad gamble then so be it. At least I am being true to myself.
Take care of yourselves,